A Different Take - You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with...

I had started this post awhile back, and never got around to it. However, since my pastor at church brought up the topic last Sunday, I decided to finally get back to writing (since it has been forever). The famous (infamous) quote from Jim Rohn says that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. As I understand that quote, we should carefully select the 5 people we spend the most time with. Unfortunately for some of us, those people may not always be easily re-selected.

I have seen a lot of folks lately who are working with their children's fathers, but not actively spending time with them. Whether they are divorced, ex-boyfriends, or simply struggling, it breaks my heart. I can't fathom trying to co-parent with someone who I don't want on my "5 people" list. Yet, as a Christian, we are NOT called to disown people simply because of their failings, characteristics or personality.



In reading 1 Corinthians 5:11-12, you will see that we are called to dissociate from certain people within the church because of ongoing sin. However, that has nothing to do with people who have struggles. And, more importantly, as a Christian, it does NOT allow us to dissociate from non-Christians who are actively sinning.

Now, I know some pastors and counselors who are cringing because they worry that Christians will be led astray. Your first priority should be God and your relationship with Him. If you are a new Christian and you worry that your old friends will lead you back to your old lifestyle, then by all means seek the counsel of your pastor or counselor before returning to a dangerous situation.

Rather, I am speaking to the "mature" Christian who sees themselves as "above" the non-Christians in their sphere. God is NOT calling you to leave the world and ignore the non-Christians in your circle of influence. God is NOT calling you to ignore your relative or friend or even your Christian brother who has some personality defect that you don't want to "catch" from him being in your circle of influence.

Instead, God is calling you to be an Influencer to those people. We are called to be a light in the darkness, but what does that mean? Does it mean that we exist only in light? If so, can anyone even tell that we are shining? No, we are called to go out into the darkness, but not to be snuffed out, rather to shine so brightly that the darkness becomes light! So rather than focus on whether those 5 people "deserve" to be in your circle, pray and seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit about how you can be an influencer in a positive way.

Here are some examples.

1. A non-Christian is struggling through divorce, sexual immorality, pagan worship, etc. If you are in this person's circle, pray hard and love them. If they invite you to their spirit circle dance, let them know why you can't go to that one, but go to everything else. Go to their kid's birthday part, invite them to your house for dinner, help them with storm clean up, babysit their kids. If you are an influencer in this person's life, then pray hard and love them as Christ loved the church. Not as a moralizer or a business decision, simply because God made them and loves them and wants to call them closer to Him.
2. A Christian is struggling with a personality defect of some kind - habitual lateness, general cranky demeanor, poor follow up (forgets to call you back, doesn't always say the right thing). Keep this person in your circle! Now, the question becomes, will you influence this person, or will they influence you. When I was a weekend breakfast server at a hotel, I would often get cranky customers, but I was responsible for pouring their coffee. If I let them put me in a grumpy mood, maybe I wouldn't want to be around them, and I would pour their coffee last and they would leave grumpy. Instead, I chose to see that person as a positive challenge. How quickly could my smiles (and my coffee) turn that person's frown into a smile. Usually it was much quicker than I expected. If you always look on other people in the most positive light, you may eventually find that what you thought was a personality defect that you were worried you would "catch" is instead an opportunity to befriend someone who needs a friend. God's word says that there is a friend who is closer than a brother, but I don't always see this in the church (Proverbs 18:24)
3. A Christian is actively sinning, but is not aware. This is where is starts to get sticky in real life. I have some friends, for example, who are gossips. If I am not careful, I may let myself be drawn into this habit, rather than confronting them to draw them out of the habit. If you look at your circle of influence and see a lot of this, consider how to best help. First, look inward - are you actually involved in and participating in this sin as well? If so, address the sin issue in your own heart first. Second, look upward, consider why this behavior is a sin, and what positive characteristics may be behind it (one of my friends who is a gossip is a fabulous listener because she really cares what is being said). Third, look outward, while this person is still in your sphere of influence, bring the sin to their attention. For example, "I know that you care about such and such person or situation, but this is really a private matter that we shouldn't be discussing in this manner." If the person is made aware of the sin, and continues in the sin, then you have to look carefully at the next steps you should take (going to the elders of the church, pastor, or counselor). 
4. If a Christian is actively participating in clear sin, has been confronted, and has not repented, then you need to pray hard for that person and seek Biblical counsel from your pastor, elder, or a Christian counselor. There may be situations (such as a family member or community group) where you feel it is not possible to step outside this person's sphere of influence. If this is the case, I encourage you to find an accountability partner, and seek Godly counsel. 

So, look closely at the 5 people you spend the most time with. If you are the average, are you actively working to bring the average up or down? Rather than look at changing the actual people that you spend time with, look at how you can work to change yourself, and maybe influence those around you in the process. Be a better average than you have been and maybe someday soon you can turn those grumpy frowns into smiles.